we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
