The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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