There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The beer is more important than you right now.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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