I'm lost and stupid without you.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
