youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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