I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Randomize
