I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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