Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
