If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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