I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
