I met the friendliest cop last night
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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