just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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