Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
