i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
