Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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