I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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