and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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