New invention idea: vibrating tampons
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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