I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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