did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
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Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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