Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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