just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
how drunk are you?
Several
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
