We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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