it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I came so hard my ears popped.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
