at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
