You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
