It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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