my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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