I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
