don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
