I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
