There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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