My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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