Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
