I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
