She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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