so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
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There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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