where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
