I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
