Don't make out with my wife yet
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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