haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
