i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
