By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
