If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We are all done wearing pants today
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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