I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
