Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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