I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
