I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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