2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
