Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
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But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
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No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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