U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
