all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I don't deserve a penis
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
