You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
