She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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