Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
