Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
