dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
