Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
