MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I can't put those talents on a resume
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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