Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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