true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."