I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
